Tag Archives: nablopomo

I Think I’m Going to Go Crazy

I have no idea what is going on in my head.  It is having a terrible fight with my heart, and I dislike it very much.

Am I Nuts?

Am I Nuts?

 

I have a lot going on in my life – most of which revolve around my own bad judgement and stupidity.  I know this.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how to sort out the feelings I have.  What should I forgive myself for?  What do I continue to feel badly about?  Should I feel guilty about not feeling badly about some of it?  My focus right now is to take care of myself, so that I can get back into my son’s life.  He hasn’t been taken from me in any official sense of the word, but he’t not with me and that sucks.  There is no better word for it.  Sucks.  My husband has him in another state.  I left voluntarilly for a few reasons.  My husband and I fight.  A lot.  Mostly verbal, but he gets physical.  I never want my son to see that – for I don’t want him to learn that it is OK to treat a woman badly.  I also left so that my husband could take care of himself for a while.  He obviously has anger issues – some have to do with me, while others are more deeply seated in his life, and I am sick of being the excuse for his anger.

I feel terribly guilty for not being there to spend time with my baby, to play with him, teach him and just be there for him.  But I can’t let myself feel badly about leaving a dangerous situation.  Now, before I get comments about leaving my baby in such a situation – he is quite safe.  My husband may hate me, but our son is extremely important to him.  He would protect him with his life and I have no fear of him being with the baby.  Not in the least.

I just have to take care of myself and my own issues for the time being.  I have to continue to hold back tears when I think of my little guy, not having his mom around.  I have to tell myself that a couple of months is not much in the long run.  I will have the rest of my life to teach him to read, to enjoy things, to learn how to be a good kid.  I mean, he’s already awesome, and he’s not even two!

So, for now, I will do my best to pass the time so that it flies by until I can be with him again.  I am hoping that it goes quickly, as the Holidays are going to be tough.

Thankfully, there’s always Skype, right?

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Twenty Two Times

What am i to do when my husband calls me Twenty Two Times in four hours?

The only messages he left told me that he would change his number because I would not answer my phone and that he would not call me because of the same.  I do not speak to him because of these situations….  And I hate it;  We used to be able to talk about anything,

We will again, right?

New Month, New Goals

This is a month where things start coming to an end, yet here we are beginning a new challenge.  Not to mention that it’s a daily challenge.  As if there aren’t enough things going on in November, especially with the Holiday season approaching.

To me, this means that I will (hopefully) learn something about time management.  I’ve never been good with that.

This brings me to the first post of NaBloPoMo in 2014.

My Goals for the month of November – Top 5, in no particular order anyway.

  1. Speak with my husband and son more often – no matter how hard it feels.  It can only get easier.
  2. To post once per day for the month of November
  3. To take myself less seriously, but to take better care of myself (no, I don’t count that as two!)
  4. Spend more time learning new skills – ie. Time Management, Budgeting, Home Management
  5. Make the best hand out of the cards I have been given this month.

I am sure there are more things I could do, or should, but another of the issues I need to work on is biting off more than I can chew.  I see the end result, but get overwhelmed by thinking that I have to get there now.  I have to remember that there are baby steps I can take every day to achieve these goals.  I guess another issue I have is lack of patience when it comes to this kind of thing.

Figures, right?

NaBloPoMo Arrives Yet Again

Life has been pretty chaotic over the last month.

All in all, it has sucked.  A LOT.

Since the first week in October, I have been uprooted, left with just about nothing but some clothes and books, have spoken to my son one whole time, and have been sent just one picture of the Punkinbutt.  I miss him terribly.  He will be two in January and he’s been the most important person in my life since he was born.  I just didn’t always understand it.

But that is a story for another day.

In the meantime, I need to create some sort of routine.  A schedule.  Something to keep me busy, out of trouble, and closer to my goal of seeing my son as soon as possible.  I am not what you could call a trouble maker, by any means, but idle hands are the devil’s plaything, or so I hear.  When I am bored, I tend to become selfish, depressed and I stop caring about things around me.  It’s not a pretty thing.

Again – another story, another day.

Enter NaBloPoMo, stage left.

I have tried this in the past.  If you can’t tell, I failed.  Usually within the first few days.  I don’t quite understand why November was chosen for this challenge, with Thanksgiving and all.  It just seems like a tough month to dedicate time to write every day.  Maybe it’s just me.  Anyway, this year, I am hoping to finish strong and complete the month.  My hope is that holding myself accountable for something will help me with this schedule that I so desperately need.  In a perfect world, I would write at the same time every day, but I cannot guarantee that – though I am going to try. I have no idea if this will help, but I am definitely (and cautiously) optimistic.

Hey, new month, new slate, right?

NaBloPoMo November 2014

Day Nine – I think I made it!

It’s getting late and I have had a super long day, but I needed to put out a blog to keep myself up to date with December’s NaBloPoMo.

I don’t think that I have made it this far in *any* of the NaBloPoMo attempts that I have made in the past, and I didn’t want blow it now!!

So, I will just say that things are looking up around here. Not quite so stressful, now that the baby shower is out of the way! I will post a bit on that later, and maybe a pic or two. But for now, I am going to chill out, watch Bridesmaids, eat some baby shower cake and hit the bed like a sack of bricks. Provided said cake doesn’t give me a sugar rush.

Wish me luck!

Bridesmaids (2011 film)

Bridesmaids (2011 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Rough Day..

My husband was gone for three days.  

He wasn’t far, and we talked a bunch, but I really missed him and wanted him home.  I hoped he felt the same way.

I don’t think he did.

He left Wednesday afternoon, and was planned to be home Thursday night/Friday morning – but didn’t end up home until Saturday morning, for no reason.  I was (and am) of course, hurt and a bit upset by that.  When he did make it home, we had a brief breakfast before he had some stuff to do in the area.  I then met up with him and some friends while they had drinks.  He drank – a lot.  We kept going, where he drank more, and then went out to dinner with some other friends – where he decided to *keep* drinking, and not eat a thing.  Mind you, he hadn’t eaten *all* day!  It was horrible.

We made it home, where he proceeded to yell at me for whatever reason he had on his mind at the time, fell asleep, woke up this morning (in just as bad of a mood) and kept the yelling going.  I had to get out of the house, so I did.  I did some errands, got lunch, came home and STILL got yelled at for going out and drinking (which I didn’t – I’m 32 weeks preggo!!!)!  But don’t let *THAT* stop him from yelling…  

I really think he wants to run away.  And probably should, since he’s not man enough to handle his own situation…  Maybe then he will realize just what I do for him, and what I am *NOT* doing without him!

Another dark post, but I will break out of it soon enough!  I hope!!!

 

December is Here Already….?

It is December 1st.  Part of me cannot believe that 2012 is here already, while the rest is thankful that it is on it’s way to becoming ‘last year.’

I have had some pretty good things happen to me, but the bad comes to outweighing them.

It’s unfortunate, but the bad things seem to leave scars (physical and metaphoric). I have done my best to rid myself of the nasty gash scar on the top of my forehead – but those over-the-counter scar removers don’t work completely.  It’s not all that noticeable, especially since I wear bangs, but it can be seen at times.  The memory it is attached to is not one I care to remember… On a lighter note, it reminds me of Harry Potter’s lightning scar.  It makes me feel better when I see it.

The rest of the bad memories will be erased with time, as they always are.  I just hope that the go soon.  In fact, if they could be gone when I wake up in the morning, all the better!

Now, on to the good… The one great thing that has happened to me was the realization that I am going to have my first child – and it will be a son!  Everything may be up in the air with the rest of the world – how I will be able to work to pay for everything, if his dad will be around to help raise him, or what type of diapers he will wear – but he will be here in January, and there is no stopping that!  He is the one thing that is currently keeping me grounded.  For the most part.  The rest of the time I want to run, hide and cry.

So, I may not make it through the month with a post every day for December’s NaBloPoMo, but I will definitely be keeping on task with the word for the month – WORK!  I will be working on myself, my family and making a life for my new son.  I actually can’t wait!

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