Tag Archives: Family

Perfectionism and People Pleasing

I have done a lot of reading in my life, and a lot of learning. Over time, and the mostly over the past year, I have learned a lot about myself and how I have lived.  I will let you know that I have been reading a lot of The FlyLady website, as well.

What I have found out is that I have always been a perfectionist.  I never thought so, since I didn’t stress out over not getting an A in school, or that my hair was parted off center.  But I did want to make sure that what I did, I did well – and usually to either impress someone else (parents, friends, teachers, etc.) or just stay in good graces and under the radar.  I didn’t want to upset anyone and I didn’t like conflict. I still don’t.

I always thought that changing was overwhelming. So then, I did nothing.  I need to change that cycle and follow some of the baby steps that are out there.  I have to believe that taking things slowly is the best way to build habits.  I don’t have to do everything, all at once, immediately.  Slow and steady wins the race.

2015 is beginning to look up.

Today’s list of what I am thankful for/ proud of…

1.  The FlyLady website

2.  Evernote – I love lists and this is helping me remember what I need to do each day

3.  I played around with YouTube and learned a bit about it – but not yet how to create a channel under my account (if (possible).

4.  The love I have for my son – and I cannot wait to see and talk to him soon!

5.  Having a job,even if it is part time, so that I can give more to my family.

I Think I’m Going to Go Crazy

I have no idea what is going on in my head.  It is having a terrible fight with my heart, and I dislike it very much.

Am I Nuts?

Am I Nuts?

 

I have a lot going on in my life – most of which revolve around my own bad judgement and stupidity.  I know this.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how to sort out the feelings I have.  What should I forgive myself for?  What do I continue to feel badly about?  Should I feel guilty about not feeling badly about some of it?  My focus right now is to take care of myself, so that I can get back into my son’s life.  He hasn’t been taken from me in any official sense of the word, but he’t not with me and that sucks.  There is no better word for it.  Sucks.  My husband has him in another state.  I left voluntarilly for a few reasons.  My husband and I fight.  A lot.  Mostly verbal, but he gets physical.  I never want my son to see that – for I don’t want him to learn that it is OK to treat a woman badly.  I also left so that my husband could take care of himself for a while.  He obviously has anger issues – some have to do with me, while others are more deeply seated in his life, and I am sick of being the excuse for his anger.

I feel terribly guilty for not being there to spend time with my baby, to play with him, teach him and just be there for him.  But I can’t let myself feel badly about leaving a dangerous situation.  Now, before I get comments about leaving my baby in such a situation – he is quite safe.  My husband may hate me, but our son is extremely important to him.  He would protect him with his life and I have no fear of him being with the baby.  Not in the least.

I just have to take care of myself and my own issues for the time being.  I have to continue to hold back tears when I think of my little guy, not having his mom around.  I have to tell myself that a couple of months is not much in the long run.  I will have the rest of my life to teach him to read, to enjoy things, to learn how to be a good kid.  I mean, he’s already awesome, and he’s not even two!

So, for now, I will do my best to pass the time so that it flies by until I can be with him again.  I am hoping that it goes quickly, as the Holidays are going to be tough.

Thankfully, there’s always Skype, right?

Exhaustion

It amazes me how tired I can get from doing absolutely nothing.  I’m not exaggerating that, either.  I did not do one, single, productive thing today.  Well, productive in the common usage of the word, that is.

What I did was wake up at about 9 am, after falling asleep after about 2 am of course and listened to the fighting that was going on between my husband and the CMIL (Crazy Mother In Law).  Something about her trying to control her adult son.  I tried to tune it out, as the stress is NOT helping me, my baby, or my sleep cycle…  I finally had to give in and get out of the room for a second though.  Baby was bouncing on my bladder.  I immediately went *back* into the room and remained there until I had to take another potty break around 6 pm.

Yeah, I had been in there for over 8 hours at that point.  My husband, nor the CML, bothered to check on me at all today.  Not to see if I was sick, or hurt, or whatever.  My husband *did* however, bust in on two occasions to act like a child and leave the room again.  I don’t know if that counts…

I ate nothing but most of a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler box.  I figured that the almonds would do me well.

all work and no play makes matt a dull boy - D...

all work and no play makes matt a dull boy – Day 79, year 2 (Photo credit: purplemattfish)

I went *back* into the cave until about 8:30 pm, when husband – without speaking, got some clothes together to wear tonight while he goes out and parties with some friends (with money we do NOT have…).

It feels nice to be out of the room.  I’m not going to lie.  I was getting a little stir crazy in there – since it’s been my refuge for the better part of a week.  but I’m still hungry and rather thirsty.  But I value my calmness for the moment, and would rather not deal with disturbing him and provoking another argument.  I am hoping that he is leaving soon.  My stomach is about to turn on itself!!!

It’s been a week of cat and mouse games.  I am really hoping that he comes to his senses sometime *soon*!  I am not going to apologize for having hurt feelings!  Do men really hold such stupid grudges???

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