I have no idea what is going on in my head. It is having a terrible fight with my heart, and I dislike it very much.
I have a lot going on in my life – most of which revolve around my own bad judgement and stupidity. I know this. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to sort out the feelings I have. What should I forgive myself for? What do I continue to feel badly about? Should I feel guilty about not feeling badly about some of it? My focus right now is to take care of myself, so that I can get back into my son’s life. He hasn’t been taken from me in any official sense of the word, but he’t not with me and that sucks. There is no better word for it. Sucks. My husband has him in another state. I left voluntarilly for a few reasons. My husband and I fight. A lot. Mostly verbal, but he gets physical. I never want my son to see that – for I don’t want him to learn that it is OK to treat a woman badly. I also left so that my husband could take care of himself for a while. He obviously has anger issues – some have to do with me, while others are more deeply seated in his life, and I am sick of being the excuse for his anger.
I feel terribly guilty for not being there to spend time with my baby, to play with him, teach him and just be there for him. But I can’t let myself feel badly about leaving a dangerous situation. Now, before I get comments about leaving my baby in such a situation – he is quite safe. My husband may hate me, but our son is extremely important to him. He would protect him with his life and I have no fear of him being with the baby. Not in the least.
I just have to take care of myself and my own issues for the time being. I have to continue to hold back tears when I think of my little guy, not having his mom around. I have to tell myself that a couple of months is not much in the long run. I will have the rest of my life to teach him to read, to enjoy things, to learn how to be a good kid. I mean, he’s already awesome, and he’s not even two!
So, for now, I will do my best to pass the time so that it flies by until I can be with him again. I am hoping that it goes quickly, as the Holidays are going to be tough.
Thankfully, there’s always Skype, right?